


A Reliable Repository Of Stupid

by shadedScribe



Category: Homestuck
Genre: CWP: Chatlogs Without Plot, Gen, Humor, city planning, dumb arguments, just somewhere to throw pesterlogs when I feel like writing some plotless ones for fun, now watch me find half a dozen errors having said that, only took five rounds of editing to get all the HTML right go me, second chapter had all the html right first try go me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:01:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25369546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadedScribe/pseuds/shadedScribe
Summary: A dumping ground for pesterlogs written for fun or without any actual plot.Ch. 1: A dumb argument about tanks.Ch. 2: The gang does some city planning.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 14





	1. carcinoGeneticist changed board name to MORON WEHRABOO CONTAINMENT FORUM

**Author's Note:**

> Man, it's been a while. First I had writer's block, then I was depressed, then I had to work a lot of night shifts and was too tired to write much, and then my internet was spotty. (Still is, actually.) But, I persevered. I hope to have a few more things up soon. For now, though, I've created this fic, because sometimes I just like to write a ridiculous pesterlog and wanted somewhere to put them. For the first installment, here's the gang recreating a stupid WWII forum argument.

CA: okay but just picture it kar  
CA: youre coming up to a hill in france  
CG: OH GREAT, HERE WE GO AGAIN.  
CA: and then suddenly a tiger rolls over the top  
CA: it trains its gun on you  
CG: IT TAKES FIVE HITS BECAUSE ITS MORON COMMANDER PUT IT RIGHT OUT IN THE OPEN IN FRONT OF A WHOLE TANK PLATOON.  
CA: yeah but nothing penetrates the armor  
GG: actually, the upgraded 76 mm gun on the shermans did just fine at normal combat ranges except against the thickest sections of a tiger Is armor  
CG: NOT TO MENTION THE TIGER IS GOING TO BE TAKING HITS FROM THE SIDES, BECAUSE THE PLATOON IS GOING TO BE MANEUVERING TO GET AROUND IT.  
CG: BECAUSE UNLIKE YOU, THEY’RE NOT IDIOTS.  
CA: but the tigers still probably gonna kill a few  
CG: YOU’RE MISSING THE DAMN POINT.  
CG: YES, THE GERMAN THIRD-GENERATION TANKS WERE HIGHLY EFFECTIVE IN COMBAT SITUATIONS WHERE THEY COULD ENGAGE ALLIED TANKS FROM LONG DISTANCES, ACROSS OPEN TERRAIN, OR FROM AN AMBUSH.  
CG: BUT THEY WERE STILL FUCKING LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARES THAT TOOK UP TOO MUCH MANPOWER AND RESOURCES TO BUILD.  
CG: GERMANY WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER OFF IF IT HAD JUST SIMPLIFIED ITS STUPIDLY OVERCOMPLICATED MANUFACTURING PROCESS AND FOCUSED ON MAKING MORE UPGRADED PANZER IVS.  
TT: That seems a little naive if you ask me.  
TT: Germany was incapable of keeping up with the Soviet Union or the United States’ production of tanks, and they knew it.  
TT: So they decided to focus their energy into creating masterpiece tanks that could stand up to anything the Allies had to throw at them.  
CG: YEAH, AND THEY FAILED.  
TT: I’d hardly call it a failure. True, they were borne down by the weight of superior numbers eventually, but the ‘Cats’ were revolutionary machines that inflicted vastly disproportionate casualties on their enemies and influenced the development of future tanks for decades.  
TT: Superior machines, even if they were attached to an inferior country.  
CG: OKAY, SURE, IF YOU WERE GOING TO GO ONE ON ONE IN AN OPEN FIELD LIKE IT WAS A VIDEO GAME, YOU’D PROBABLY WANT A TIGER II.  
CG: BUT THAT’S NOT THE ONLY FACTOR THAT NEEDS TO BE CONSIDERED IN YOUR TANK DESIGN.  
GG: yeah!  
GG: reliability, logistics, manufacturing  
GG: all important!  
CG: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOUR FANCY-ASS TIGER NEEDS TO LEAVE THE FIELD WHERE IT JUST KILLED A COUPLE TANKS AND ITS TRANSMISSION CHOKES LIKE ERIDAN TRYING TO FLIRT WITH SOMEONE?  
CA: hey!  
CG: OR YOUR PANTHER TRIES TO NEGOTIATE A SLOPE AND CATCHES FIRE?  
TT: I think the reliability problems are overstated.  
GG: the panther had to replace a final drive once every 150 kilometers on average!  
GG: tigers had constant breakdowns and couldn’t handle extreme conditions very well  
GG: often times the germans would lose more tanks to breakdowns and fuel shortages than enemy action  
CA: see, they couldnt be killed  
GG: oh, no, they could  
GG: though ill give you that they often died hard  
CG: THE GERMANS WERE JUST LUCKY THEY WERE ON THE DEFENSIVE THE WHOLE TIME.  
CG: IMAGINE TRYING TO LAUNCH AN OFFENSIVE USING TANKS THAT BROKE DOWN EVERY 200 KILOMETERS IF YOU WERE LUCKY AND SUCKED DOWN FUEL THE WAY A JILTED LOVER SUCKS DOWN ICE CREAM AND COCKTAILS.  
GG: not to mention how they couldnt handle bridges and the shitty track designs got locked up in freezing conditions sometimes  
TT: They could get around that by moving the tanks around by train.  
CG: PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO THINK ABOUT HOW STUPID HAVING TO CONSTANTLY MOVE YOUR ARMORED DIVISIONS AROUND BY TRAIN IS, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE LEAD ELEMENTS OF AN ATTACK.  
GG: and even if there were enough railroads to reliably get you where you needed to go, that’s just putting even more strain on your logistics that already have to do extra to support your overengineered tanks  
CA: but they wwere still the scariest tanks to get ambushed by  
TT: True. Tigers and Panthers with good concealment and the element of surprise could inflict almost comical loss ratios on Allied tanks.  
CG: OH, WHO GIVES A SHIT.  
CG: AN ANTI-TANK GUN IN A GOOD PILLBOX CAN DO THAT.  
CG: WHICH IS FITTING, SINCE THAT’S BASICALLY WHAT A TIGER OR PANTHER WAS ONCE SOMETHING INEVITABLY HAPPENED TO THE POWERTRAIN.  
GG: any tank could get good results if it could ambush enemies or get in a good position, the big german ones werent special  
GG: t-34-85s and even shermans had similarly lopsided ratios when they got the chance  
GG: the germans just got to ambush people more often because they were on defense  
CG: AND THAT STILL DOESN’T GET INTO THE MAIN PROBLEM, WHICH IS THAT THE LATE-WAR GERMAN TANKS WERE ALL TOO EXPENSIVE TO WORK.  
CG: BECAUSE THE GERMAN WAR MACHINE COULDN’T AFFORD THE MASSIVE INVESTMENT THAT GOT POURED DOWN THE DRAIN EVERY TIME A TANK GOT ABANDONED OR BLOWN UP BY FIGHTER-BOMBERS.  
GG: exactly!  
GG: the best tank is the one that has good combat performance balanced with an ability to be manufactured in large numbers without straining your economic resources  
GG: which is why the t-34  
GG: and especially the t-34-85  
GG: were the best tanks of the war  
CG: NOW HOLD ON A MINUTE.  
GG: im sorry karkat but theres no excuse for the sherman to have such weak armor and such a weak gun so late in the war  
CG: THE 75 MM WAS BETTER AGAINST SOFT TARGETS, WHICH WAS WHAT THE SHERMAN ACTUALLY ENCOUNTERED MORE OFTEN.  
CG: THE FIREFLY AND EASY EIGHT VARIANTS WERE ENOUGH TO COVER THE ANTI-TANK ROLE.  
GG: the upgrades were too late and too slapdash  
GG: honestly, the american commanders should have known better than to think that they wouldnt have to face enough heavy german tanks to make things difficult  
CA: yeah theres no arguin for the fuckin ronson lighters  
TT: “Zippo” and “Tommycooker” are actually better attested as historical nicknames.  
CG: THE SHERMAN WAS A SIMPLE TANK THAT COULD BE PRODUCED IN MASSIVE NUMBERS, WAS EASY TO TRANSPORT AND REPAIR, AND WAS SUITABLE FOR USE IN ALL FIELDS OF THE WAR.  
CG: AND WITH UPGRADES AND PROPER TACTICS, IT DID FINE AGAINST ANY TANKS IT CAME ACROSS.  
TT: I’m not sure I would call its loss ratios fine.  
CG: YOU DON’T WIN WARS ON FUCKING K:D RATIOS!  
GG: the t-34 was manufactured in even higher numbers than the sherman  
GG: or anything else, for that matter  
GG: and it had better combat performance and had more and better upgrades  
CA: it was lost in higher numbers than anything else too  
GG: because it had to storm a bunch of well-prepared defensive positions!  
CG: THE MANUFACTURING NUMBERS AREN'T THAT MUCH BETTER THAN THE SHERMAN’S.  
CG: AND THE T-34 HAD A LOT MORE TEETHING PROBLEMS, AND WAS USUALLY A LOT MORE SHODDILY BUILT.  
TT: See?  
TT: Harping on the reliability issues of the German tanks is ridiculous.  
CG: EXCEPT THAT WHEN A T-34 BROKE DOWN IT DIDN’T WASTE 300,000 MAN HOURS AND FOUR MILLION BUCKS.  
GG: yeah, and the main problem for germany was that it didnt take its resource problems into account  
GG: but the soviets built the t-34 with weaker components during the more dire straits of the war so as to avoid wasting resources on tanks that would likely be lost before long  
GG: the tanks improved a lot later in the war too  
CG: THE SHERMAN MANAGED TO BE RELIABLE THE WHOLE TIME.  
CA: yeah as a firestarter  
CG: THE WET STOWAGE MODIFICATION FIXED THE FIRE PROBLEM.  
GG: its still a little silly that the problem existed in the first place though  
CG: THE SHERMAN WAS THE EQUAL OR BETTER OF EVERY TANK THE AXIS FIELDED OTHER THAN THE RIDICULOUS OVERENGINEERED THIRD GENERATION AND IT BEATS THOSE BY BEING RELIABLE AND CAPABLE OF BEING USED FOR OFFENSIVES IN EVERY THEATRE OF THE WAR.  
GG: so was the t-34 though  
GG: and it had nearly half the run made with the upgrades that let them cope with the german heavies better  
GG: not to mention just how good the manufacturing process was  
GG: by the end of the war the t-34 had doubled gun penetration and some frontal armor without sacrificing speed  
GG: and cut the production cost by nearly half in the process!  
TT: That’s all well and good, but the truly incredible combat capabilities of the German tanks can’t be overlooked.  
CG: THEY'RE NOT BEING OVERLOOKED, BUT THEY'RE NOT ENOUGH TO MAKE UP FOR THE DEFICIENCIES IN COST AND RELIABILITY.  
GG: germany had fuel problems almost the whole war and all of the tigers and panthers had stupid high fuel consumption  
GG: plus all the steel, armor, parts, and so on  
CG: NOT TO MENTION THE MASSIVE LABOR REQUIREMENTS WHEN GERMANY HAD CHRONIC MANPOWER SHORTAGES.  
GG: for them to justify the resources that were spent on them, they would have had to work flawlessly and kill dozens of enemy vehicles every time before being lost  
GG: but instead most of them broke down or ran out of fuel  
CG: OR WERE OVERRUN BY INFANTRY, OR PICKED OFF BY AIR SUPPORT.  
CA: all this manufacturing talk is fuckin nerd shit  
CA: you wwant the best tank, you look at the best armor, the best guns, and the best killcounts  
TT: Just look at the ridiculous kill counts and the litany of tank aces using the Panther and Tiger.  
GG: those kill counts are super exaggerated though  
CG: YEAH, A LOT OF THEM ARE ACTUALLY STRAIGHT OUT OF GERMAN PROPAGANDA RATHER THAN ANY RELIABLE SOURCE.  
CG: ESPECIALLY THE FUCKING “TANK ACES”.  
CA: the best tank is the one that wins a fight with any other tank  
CA: which is why we gotta talk about the maus  
CG: THE FUCKING *MAUS*?  
CG: WHICH NEVER GOT OUT OF THE PROTOTYPE STAGE, NEVER SAW COMBAT AND TURNED EVERY PROBLEM THE OTHER GERMAN HEAVIES HAD UP TO FUCKING TWELVE?  
TT: It does seem a little silly to focus on one-offs and prototypes in this sort of discussion.  
CA: the maus wouldvve been invvincible  
GG: it would have taken out a handful of tanks before breaking down or running out of fuel  
CG: OR MORE LIKELY, SOME ALLIED SOLDIER WOULD HAVE SEEN IT AND CALLED IN AIR SUPPORT, AND A P-47 OR AN IL-2 WOULD HAVE USED IT FOR TARGET PRACTICE.  
TT: The Maus certainly went a little beyond the bounds of practicality.  
TT: But I think the combat capabilities of the other third-generation German tanks speak for themselves, and the Allies would have done well to copy them.  
CG: GOOD FOR YOU, YOU’RE WRONG.  
CG: THE SHERMAN WAS THE MOST RELIABLE AND THE BEST SUITED FOR THE KIND OF LARGE-SCALE TOTAL WAR AROUND THE WORLD THAT WAS BEING FOUGHT.  
GG: the sherman was underarmored and undergunned, and the t-34 had the best manufacturing processes and the best balance of power and resource consumption  
CA: imagine if they had actually built the ratte  
CG: FUCK OFF, THAT’S PROBABLY NOT EVEN A REAL DESIGN.  
GG: anyway  
GG: to answer your original question dave, ‘best tank of world war ii’ is kind of an open discussion  
TG: jesus fuck if i had known you people were going to go on about it like that i wouldnt have bothered  
CG: IT’S NOT MY FAULT THEY ALL INSIST ON BEING WRONG.  
  
carcinoGeneticist closed memo.


	2. CG: THIS WAS SO MUCH EASIER WHEN IT WAS ALL CANS AND CHALK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set in an AU where the gang was a bit more active in building a new civilization on Earth C. Little splash of Junerezi too.

carcinoGeneticist opened memo on board itty bitty pretty shitty city committee  
CG: ALRIGHT PEOPLE, IT’S TIME FOR OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED CITY PLANNING DISCUSSION.  
ectoBiologist responded to memo.  
EB: oh cool  
gardenGnostic responded to memo.  
GG: ive got a little problem i want to make sure we discuss  
turntechGodhead responded to memo.  
TG: did you get a chance to decide on my suggestions from last time  
CG: YES, ACTUALLY, LET’S GET THE LEFTOVERS FROM LAST TIME OUT OF THE WAY FIRST.  
CG: TEREZI’S DESIGN FOR THE COURTBLOCK IS REJECTED, ON ACCOUNT OF BEING IMPRACTICAL AND AN EYESORE.  
gallowsCalibrator responded to memo.  
GC: H3Y WH4T P4RT 1S SUPPOS3D TO B3 1MPR4CT14L  
CG: YOU MEAN BESIDES THE TWENTY-STORY ALL-MARBLE DESIGN, THE GIANT STATUE ON THE ROOF, THE HIGH-ALTITUDE TREE BRANCH PROMENADES, AND THE EYE-WATERING SHADE OF RED IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE PAINTED IN?  
GC: 1 H4V3NT H34RD YOU L1ST 4NY DR4WB4CKS Y3T  
CG: SORRY, BUT I STILL ENTERTAIN A PIPE DREAM OF THE CITY WE’RE CREATING BEING ACTUALLY PLEASANT AND SOMEWHAT INHABITABLE.  
CG: DESPITE SUCH A DREAM SEEMING INCREASINGLY LUDICROUS AFTER EACH ONE OF THESE MEETINGS.  
GC: YOU JUST C4NT 4PPR3C14T3 MY V1S1ON  
CG: AS A COMPROMISE, WE’LL BUILD A VERY IMPRESSIVE THREE-STORY MARBLE FACADE IN NORMAL COLORS, COMBINING ELEMENTS OF ALTERNIAN AND HUMAN ARCHITECTURE, AND GIVE YOU TOTAL CONTROL OVER THE INTERIOR DECORATING.  
GC: TOT4L CONTROL  
GC: R34LLY  
CG: I REGRET IT ALREADY, BUT YES, TOTAL CONTROL.  
GC: COMPROM1S3 4CC3PT3D  
GC: >:]  
CG: JUNE AND VRISKA’S JOINT PROPOSAL TO NAME THE MAIN STREET IN THE CULTURAL DISTRICT ‘NICOLAS CAGE BOULEVARD’ IS REJECTED.  
EB: hey!  
CG: I HAVE MY LIMITS.  
CG: HOWEVER, WE CAN PROBABLY FIND SOME OTHER STREET TO STICK THE NAME ON.  
EB: oh, alright  
EB: maybe one of the intake highways?  
CG: YEAH, THAT WORKS.  
CG: JADE’S PROPOSAL FOR A SERIES OF PUBLIC ORCHARDS AND GARDENS STRATEGICALLY SCATTERED AROUND THE RESIDENTIAL NEIGHBORHOODS IS ENTHUSIASTICALLY ACCEPTED.  
GG: great!  
GG: just tell me which plots i can use and ill get started right away  
TG: what about my stuff  
CG: YOUR PROPOSAL TO USE THE UNOCCUPIED PLOT IN THE WEST END TO BUILD AN ARENA FOR CONCERTS IS GOOD.  
CG: THOUGH WE’RE GOING TO DOWNSIZE THE DESIGN A BIT SO WE CAN USE SOME OF THE SPACE FOR A PARK.  
TG: thats cool  
CG: YOUR SUGGESTION TO RENAME THE STREETS BY YOUR HOUSE TO 420TH AND 69TH IS EMPHATICALLY REJECTED, WITH PREJUDICE.  
TG: aw come on  
TG: whats the matter dont you wanna live at the cool address  
EB: are you being ironic or do you actually think that’s cool?  
GC: DO3S H3 3V3N KNOW H1MS3LF?  
CG: WE’RE NOT MESSING UP THE ENTIRE HIGHLY ORGANIZED GRID OF ALPHANUMERIC STREET NAMES SO YOU CAN HAVE A FUCKING MEME.  
TG: lame  
TG: giving into the dull-ass monotonous function over form already  
CG: YEAH, THE DULL-ASS MONOTONY OF BEING ABLE TO ACTUALLY FIND PLACES BECAUSE THERE’S A LOGICAL CITY PLAN.  
CG: THE HORROR!  
CG: OH, AND SPEAKING OF THE STREET GRID,  
CG: SINCE WE DECIDED TO GIVE ALL THE MAIN NORTH-SOUTH STREETS ALPHABETICAL NAMES TO GO WITH THE ORDINALLY NUMBERED EAST-WEST ONES LAST TIME, HAS ANYONE COME UP WITH ANYTHING FOR Q OR X YET?  
GG: questant!  
EB: that sounds good  
CG: YEAH, I’LL JOT THAT DOWN.  
CG: DOES ANYONE HAVE ANYTHING FOR X?  
TG: xtreme  
CG: DOES ANYONE HAVE ANYTHING BETTER FOR X?  
GC: NOP3  
EB: nope  
GG: i was gonna say xenon but honestly xtreme is kinda funny  
TG: hell yeah  
TG: virtual fist bump  
TG: wait nevermind she just teleported over for a regular one  
GG: :)  
GG: whats the point of god powers if you dont use them for the little things  
CG: ALRIGHT, WE’LL TABLE THE STREET NAMES FOR NOW.  
CG: HOPEFULLY ROSE OR SOMEBODY CAN COME UP WITH A MORE APPROPRIATE NAME.  
TG: were gonna have xtreme street man  
TG: better get used to it  
CG: I REFUSE.  
CG: ANYWAY, THAT LEAVES US WITH THE TRAFFIC CONGESTION PROBLEM IN THE CENTRAL DISTRICT THAT WE COULDN’T RESOLVE LAST TIME, THE QUESTION OF WHAT TO DO ABOUT THAT PAIN IN THE ASS BURIED ROCK SPUR THAT’S IMPEDING THE DIGGING UP NORTH WHERE THE SEWER TUNNELS HAVE TO GO, AND WHATEVER JADE WAS GOING TO BRING UP.  
EB: rock spur?  
GC: Y34H TH3Y R4N 1NTO 1T WH3N TH3Y ST4RT3D 3XC4V4T1NG  
GC: 1TS R34L H4RD GR4N1T3 TOO  
EB: can’t they just blow it up?  
GC: W3 4CTU4LLY DONT H4V3 TH4T M4NY 3XPLOS1V3S LY1NG 4ROUND  
TG: kinda surprising all things considered  
GG: i can try and alchemize some  
EB: don’t bother, i’ve got this  
EB: be right back  
CG: WHAT IS SHE DOING?  
GC: 1M BY TH3 NORTH 3ND  
GC: 1LL GO F1ND OUT  
CG: WHILE THEY’RE DOING THAT:  
CG: THE CONGESTION PROBLEM.  
CG: ANY IDEAS?  
TG: tunnels?  
TG: like subways or underground roads or whatever  
CG: WHAT’S A SUBWAY?  
GG: its like a passenger train designed to travel short distances through the city in regular circuits  
GG: often built into tunnels to save space  
CG: OH, YOU MEAN A BURIED CONVEYANCE TROLLEY.  
TG: why are all your names so much longer than they have to be  
CG: WE CAN’T USE TUNNELS.  
CG: OR AT LEAST NOT MANY.  
CG: BETWEEN THE REST OF THE CITY INFRASTRUCTURE AND THE CAVERNS FOR TROLL USE, IT’S UNDERMINED ENOUGH ALREADY.  
GG: well if we cant go down, go up  
GG: the main problem is that the volume of deliveries and such that will need to be made might get in the way of pedestrians, right?  
CG: RIGHT.  
GG: so we build pedways!  
GG: most of the buildings in the city center are planned to be tall  
GG: so we can just connect them all with pedways  
CG: THAT COULD WORK, YEAH.  
TG: what like little bridges between all the skyscrapers  
GG: yep  
CG: IT MIGHT TAKE UP SOME SERIOUS SPACE BUILDING ENOUGH OF THEM.  
CG: AND SNOW ACCUMULATION IN WINTER COULD BE A PROBLEM TOO.  
GG: theres construction workarounds for the snow  
TG: yeah and most importantly  
TG: it would look cool as hell  
TG: i say go for it  
CG: AN ELEVATED SET OF WALKING PATHWAYS THROUGH THE WHOLE CITY CENTER DOES HAVE A CERTAIN APPEAL.  
TG: you could have, like, food courts and stuff on the connecting floors  
CG: ALRIGHT, WE’LL ASSUME THAT’S THE PLAN FOR NOW.  
CG: GOOD IDEA, JADE.  
EB: all right, that’s that rock problem taken care of  
EB: the ground here is way softer than on skaia  
CG: HUH?  
GC: SH3 JUST DR1LL3D 1T  
gallowsCalibrator uploaded video TORN4DOB34TSROCK.mp4  
TG: oh yeah i forgot you could do that  
CG: GREAT JOB.  
CG: BEFORE, THE ROCK WAS IN THE WAY OF DIGGING IN ONE PLACE.  
CG: BUT NOW IT’S BROKEN AND SCATTERED AROUND OVER THE WHOLE CITY AREA SO IT CAN BE IN THE WAY EVERYWHERE.  
EB: like a bunch of boulders aren’t easier to deal with than a giant half a kilometer spur of rock  
TG: yeah its not like anyone else was gonna be able to do anything  
CG: FAIR ENOUGH, I GUESS.  
CG: SO THAT LEAVES US WITH ONE LAST THING.  
CG: JADE, WHAT’S THE PROBLEM THAT’S COME UP?  
GG: okay so you know the tourist district we have planned  
TG: yeah  
GG: i was looking over the ground thats going to get dug up for it and theres a tree  
CG: THAT’S NOT EXACTLY SURPRISING CONSIDERING THE CLIMATE.  
CG: I IMAGINE THERE ARE ACTUALLY A WHOLE LOT OF TREES OVER THERE.  
GG: not just any tree!  
gardenGnostic uploaded photo reallycooltree.jpg  
TG: holy shit thats like something out of an anime  
TG: or that one movie with the blue aliens that jake is disturbingly into  
EB: you could build a house in that thing  
EB: not just a treehouse like terezi has, a real house even  
GC: H3Y  
GC: MY HOUS3 IS PL3NTY N1C3  
EB: it’s drafty!  
EB: and there’s probably squirrels in the kitchen cupboards  
GC: YOU W3R3NT COMPL41N1NG TH3 L4ST T1M3 YOU SL3PT OV3R  
EB: well i was a little distracted then  
GC: Y34H YOU W3R3  
GC: 1 GU3SS 1LL H4V3 TO K33P D1STR4CT1NG YOU WH3N YOU’R3 TH3R3  
GC: >:]  
GC: SP34K1NG OF WHICH 4R3 YOU FR33 TOMORROW N1GHT?  
EB: i am now  
CG: ANYWAY!  
CG: YES, THAT IS A VERY NICE TREE, JADE.  
GG: i know, right!  
GG: i asked aradia and she said that its nearly four thousand years old  
CG: WHAT’S THAT IN REAL TIME UNITS?  
GG: years are real time units  
GG: not to mention the ones that actually match up to this planets orbital period  
GG: but its over eighteen hundred sweeps  
CG: THAT’S PRETTY OLD.  
CG: I CAN SEE WHY YOU DON’T WANT IT CUT DOWN.  
TG: can you like  
TG: teleport it somewhere else  
GG: a lot of plants dont take it well when i do that  
GG: and im worried that if i move it to a different spot the soil will be wrong or something  
CG: WELL WE CAN’T EXACTLY BUILD A WHOLE TOURISM DISTRICT THERE WITHOUT DISTURBING IT.  
CG: THE ROOT SYSTEM MUST BE FUCKING COLOSSAL.  
GG: that is the crux of the problem yes  
CG: ALRIGHT.  
CG: GIVE ME A MINUTE.  
TG: ok counting down  
TG: fifty nine  
TG: fifty eight  
TG: fifty seven  
EB: dave if you fill up my whole screen counting down numbers i’ll adjust the weather patterns so it rains on exactly half of your house for a week straight  
GG: can you actually do that?  
EB: probably?  
EB: i’ve been getting pretty good with this breath stuff lately  
EB: or failing that a freak tornado could always drop a truckload of pies on his roof  
TG: point made egbert  
CG: OKAY, SO I’VE PULLED UP THE MAIN DESIGN DOCUMENT AND ADJUSTED THE ZONING PLAN.  
carcinoGeneticist uploaded file FINAL-UNALTERABLE-CITY-PLAN-VERSION-ELEVEN.doc  
CG: IF WE PUSH THE TOURISM DISTRICT SOUTH A BIT, THEN SPLIT UP SOME OF THE RESIDENTIAL HOUSING, WE CAN CARVE OUT A DECENT CHUNK OF LAND AROUND THE TREE.  
CG: THE SECTION IS PROVISIONALLY NAMED *HARLEY’S FUCK-OFF HUGE TREE PARK*, BUT ALTERNATE NAMING SUGGESTIONS WILL BE ACCEPTED.  
GG: awesome!  
GG: thanks karkat  
CG: DON’T MENTION IT.  
CG: THIS WAS SO MUCH EASIER WHEN IT WAS ALL CANS AND CHALK.  
CG: ANYONE ELSE HAVE ANY CONCERNS TO BRING UP?  
EB: i still think a cloverleaf interchange would be good on the highway coming in  
carcinoGeneticist banned ectoBiologist from responding to memo!  
CG: ALRIGHT THEN, UNTIL NEXT TIME.  
  
carcinoGeneticist closed memo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think more pedways should get built IRL too. There's some arguments for them but TBH I just think they're neat.

**Author's Note:**

> In the spirit of the arguments that inspired this, an extremely minimal amount of actual research was done.


End file.
